Not Fair

Gavin's been telling us about how "not fair" things are lately.  He won't verbalize so much what it is exactly that's not fair.  But when he doesn't want to do something, we hear the "not fair" break out.  At first it was just reserved for home.  This past week, however, I was called back into his physical therapy appointment because he was completely uncooperative and saying (maybe even screaming) "Not fair!!!"  Proud mommy moment, right?  Yeah.  My thoughts exactly.

We've had a rough string of poor behavior with Gavin.  School days are either really good or really bad.  Some days I just want to cry and I wonder how in the world this was God's plan for Gavin this year.  Surely, I've made a mistake and we need to enroll him immediately into our local district.  Then the good days roll around and I'm reminded once again why we're doing it this year.  I feel a bit like a tree, blowing back and forth in the wind.  And no, I'm not so proud of that either. 

Jeff and I talked about it last night and decided Gavin's right.  It's not fair.  Kids are all forced to learn this hard lesson sooner or later.  Gavin was just forced to deal with life's harsh realities a bit sooner.  Okay, way sooner.  We didn't choose to write it this way.  We never would have chosen for Gavin to have cancer.  But God allowed it.  And we are blessed beyond words that Gavin's still alive and well today to tell us how unfair he feels it is.  I can process it that way because I'm an adult.  Gavin's only 7 years old.


He's still young.  And he's trying to sort through it all in his own way and in his own time.  I want to allow him grace to do that without giving him the freedom to be disobedient in the process.  It's a fine balance.  I wish I could see the script that runs in his little mind.  To really know what he's telling himself.  To see if I could help him better understand it all.

Is he afraid?  Just tonight after I tucked him in he asked me when his next MRI was.  He didn't want to talk more about it.  Just wanted to know when it was.

How sad is he?  I know he says it makes him sad that he doesn't have more hair.  But what's the magnitude of that sadness?  He realizes that he's not like the others.  But how different does he realize he is?  How left out does he feel?

Is he mad?  Now that he has learned that not everyone goes to occupational, physical, and speech therapy multiple times per week, is he bitter?  Clearly, a number of things in life are harder for him to accomplish than his peers.  Is he frustrated?

Does he feel loved?  Unconditionally loved by his Mommy and Daddy.  And most importantly, by Jesus.  Or does he wonder why we make him do all of this extra stuff that no one else he knows has to deal with?  Does he wonder if we let it happen?   Even made it happen to punish him? 

We know he's a miracle.  We know God has a plan.  We know this has all been allowed for very specific purposes.  But as a 7 year old, I'm just not sure Gavin can comprehend all of that.  And if he could, I'm not sure he would appreciate it.  Because kids desperately want to be "normal."  And while Gavin had a solid 3 years and 4 months of a normal childhood, I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember much of it at all.

We'll get it all worked out with Gavin.  I don't think he's going to wake up one day and suddenly feel that it really is fair after all.  But, I pray that he will accept it all a little more easily and enjoy the life that he has been blessed to have.  May God give us the wisdom to help him get there. 

Thank for you continuing to follow our life story.  We all have a story, right?  Our family is blessed to have people that care about our story and want to know more details so that they can better lift us up to the Lord in prayer.  You showered us with prayer during our darkest days.  And you continue to check in to see how you can shower us still.  Thank you hardly seems adequate.

Much love,